powerless

listening to: The Struggle, Tenth Avenue North's newest album.

'Bout a month ago, my dad's sister was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Since Mom-mom passed, Aunt Debbie's been the matriarch of Dad's clan. Oh, and did I mention she lives five states away? So when we got the news, we couldn't even hop in the car and go see her. This is the woman whose laugh sounds just like Mom-mom's and shares my dad's smile. I only see her every two years or so, but somehow I still feel close to her. At family gatherings, when Aunt Debbie called in, I was the only kid who got the chance to talk with her. She's one of those people who just lights up a room, much like Dad and Mom-mom.
And now she's going through chemo, with just my uncle and two cousins to comfort her. I mean, they're her immediate family, but we're the extended portion---and seeing my father hide his fear for Aunt Debbie is such a struggle.

 

We were watching Doctor Who; me, Owen, and Mom. The phone rang, so Mom answered. She says hello to the other line, then goes quiet. With the show paused, I glance at Mom. Her face is rather pale, and her mouth is open, in a literal 'O.' It's her sister, Deborah---calling to say the doctor's have found cancer. She goes to the oncologist tomorrow, where she'll learn more. For an hour, Mom alternates between laughing and crying as she takes in what's happening to her older sister. I'm just in disbelief, and a flash of what life would be like without my crazy, hoarse-voiced aunt goes through my mind. Cursing my sick imagination, I push the thought away. Mom hangs up and starts sobbing. I hug her tight, wishing with all my heart I could do something to make her feel better.

I'm powerless to heal my two aunts of their cancer. I'm powerless to hug the sickness right out of them. I'm powerless to ensure they both believe that Jesus died for them. I'm powerless to keep my parents from crying in the middle of the night, when we kids can't hear. I'm powerless to make the potential sadness stay away. All I can do is watch my mom and dad suffer through the next few months, along with my aunts.

And that's what scares me most: my loved ones suffering.

I've got my Lord to comfort me; I can handle just about anything. But not knowing if my afflicted family and friends are turning to Him in their pain/grief breaks my heart. If I could, I'd honestly take their sadness in to my own heart and pray for strength to bear it. But yeah, that's kind of impossible.

I'm powerless. And it isn't a good feeling.

more than anything, I just want to go back

for a moment, if you can, transform yourselves into my 6 year-old self, when everything was right in the world.....especially at Grandma and Mom-mom's houses.

"Grandma's House"

Marshmallows.Those big, plastic blocks.The Dragon Tales theme song.The feel of that scratchy carpet in the family room.The sounds of bullfrogs, crickets, and cicadas.The smells of woodsmoke, soap, and cookies.the library, where I spent countless hours reading and dreaming.Walker Texas Ranger on the tv screen.Playing hide-and-seek.The laughter of my cousins. The wallpaper in the front upstairs bedroom.The pink upstairs bathroom.The daybed on the backporch.Old coloring books.Running into the master bedroom during a thunderstorm.The warmth of a summer's evening.The sounding of the grandfather clock in the hallway.Rush Limbaugh's voice coming from the kitchen radio.The crunch of old leaves in the yard.Fireworks on Independence Day.Barbies and pony beads in the basement.Hitty and Narnia in the guest bedroom.Late night ghost stories and whispers.Pulling weeds from the flower beds. Penny, the sweetest dog in the world.Long walks around the neighborhood.My imaginary friend, Megan, and my imaginary pet parrot.Lemonade and strawberries covered in sugar.The very grand piano. Pokemon with Tyler.Mosquito bites and dirty feet.The crowded garage.Family parties.Earaches and my rag doll, Cornelia.Which Way USA? activity books.Magic Tree House and Boxcar Children.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Mom-mom's House"

Ham and cheese sandwiches.The front door that was never, ever used.The family room wall of mirrors.Easter baskets and bunnies.Sledding.The carport floor.Scooby-Doo on Cartoon Network."Bambi" in Pop's study.The whirliglass in the kitchen.Noodles and ham for dinner, with applesauce on the side.Listening to Rice Krispies in milk.Ben and Christopher, neighbors on either side.Chasing lightning bugs in the front yard.The splintery back porch.Christmas!Looking at skeeters while wading in the creek.The attic's musty smell.Daffodils and tulips.The 'Welcome' sign with ducks on it.The, '1-800-Mom-mom' sign in the kitchen.Saying grace while holding hands.Juicy Juice.Old Yeller and Alvin and the Chipmunks movies.Drinking apple juice from sippy cups.Darts in the basment.The year-round nativity scene in the family room.Peeled apple slices.Looney Tunes movies.Barbies and stuffed animals for Christmas.The crucifix in Mom-mom's bathroom.Paint-in-books.Lots of talking, laughing, and telling of stories on the carport.The banister-less basement stairs.That china doll with a built-in music box.'Santa' giving out gifts.Singing Christmas songs in the family room.Swinging around the basement support pillar.Pop's comfy recliner.Special vanilla-Oreo cookies.Family parties.The creepy laundry room.New books from Borders.Passing the soccer ball with Christine.Holding baby cousins on the couch.Birthdays full of love.

Obviously, there's no way I can get back to those days of innocence. But at least I can remember all these things....and at least I have memories. 

Is this the reason I have the travel-bug?

 Why do I want to travel?

Why do feel an urge to explore different countries?

Why does my heart skip a beat when I hear people talk about Paris and London?

Why does the thought of a car trip to a new destination excite me?

Why do I daydream of Irish castles and Scottish hills?

Why can't I just be happy with where I am?

^^^^^These questions have been bugging me for a while. At first, I didn't really have an answer. Then, I truly thought about it......and came to this conclusion: it's because of Mom-mom.

For those of you who don't know, Mom-mom was my dad's mom. She died of cancer on January 1st, 2010. She was an amazing woman, full of love for her family and Jesus. Her laugh was contagious, her smile warm and gentle. She was funny, too, and always had a new story to tell.

She also loved to travel.

When I was little and before she got sick, Mom-mom and Pop {my step-grandpa} would take vacations to all sorts of places. And no matter where she went, Mom-mom always made sure to bring something back for me.

Russia: Matryoshka nesting dolls and a necklace
Hawaii: shell necklace and hula outfit
London: A little doll that looks like a guard at Buckingham palace
Holland: A wee pair of wooden clogs on a keychain
Jamaica: A soft little doll
Germany: A necklace that has German lace in it
France: A minature replica of the Eiffel Tower

All these items have a special place in my heart. And not just because they were brought back from different countries......because Mom-mom picked each item out speficically for me.

As she started to get more sick, my family spent a lot of time at her house. She recounted each vacation she and Pop took. Finally, I asked her to write down all the places she had been around the world. She smiled and said that she would have a list in a few days.

Sure enough, by our next visit, Mom-mom had written down every country she had traveled too. As I ran my finger down all the names, I made a promise to myself: Someday, I would walk in Mom-mom's footsteps and go everywhere she had gone.

A few months later, Mom-mom had gone to join Jesus. For quite a while, the things I missed most were her laugh and hugs. Then, in the back of my mind, I remembered something:

Whenever she returned from a trip, Mom-mom would say to me, "I cannot wait until you are older and you can join me and Pop on a trip!" I would get so excited and be like, "Yeah, me neither! I wonder where we'll go?"

This is what I miss most about Mom-mom: the chance to travel the world with her, to experience all sorts of new sights with her. I'll never eat with her in a Parisian cafe, or take pictures of Big Ben, or look at the beauty of Ireland together.

So I think that is why I have such an urge to travel: because of what Mom-mom and I never got to do together. And because of that promise I made that night, that I would indeed walk in her footsteps.

Maybe in the new Heaven and the new earth, we'll have different countries. I hope so, for I really don't want to miss out on an adventure with Mom-mom......an adventure we never got to take here on earth.

Day 26: You're not seriously asking me this?!?

I would definitely say I had {and am having} a happy childhood. With caring friends and family, I was never far from love or fun. Ah, there are so many things that come to mind for today!!!

Day Twenty-Six: A childhood memory

When I was little, one of my favorite places to be was Mom-mom's house. It was always an adventure going there, for you never knew what snacks Mom-mom would have or what new toys would 'magically' appear in the basement. The best times there, though, would have to be with the rest of our family.



Pictured, from left to right: Chris, me, Owen, and Emma

 Ah....such good times were had at that creek, right behind Mom-mom's house. Even in the winter and fall we would trundle down there just to see if it was frozen or not. And in the summer and spring the wading was fantastic!!! Of course, there was poison ivy......but somehow we managed to avoid it. (:

I don't know if this memory is of the creek, Mom-mom's house in general, or just times spent with my family. But I do know that I would give anything to have those moments back again, just being a little kid.
Isn't it funny how, looking back, we realize how special those simple times were? Wading in the creek, watching cartoons in the basement, playing on the carport----at age nine, I never would have thought those seemingly normal moments would make such an impact on my life.

I hope that, in Heaven, we'll have something that gives us a good look back at memories....'cause I don't ever want to lose the pictures I have in my mind and in my heart.

Day 16: sheesh, so many personal questions!!!

Goodness, this challenge includes quite a few personal questions! But hey, I signed up for it......so I shouldn't really complain. *sighs* I've noticed that, lately, I've been complaing quite a bit about little things.....I definitely have to work on that.

Day Sixteen: A song that makes you cry

But I still miss you

All the times we spent together

To hear you talk about the weather

I always prayed you'd get well soon

I wish my prayers came true

I know Jesus has the answer

And He's way bigger than the cancer in you

But I still miss you.

The first time I heard this song, I thought "Wow, Hawk Nelson totally put my thoughts in to a song!"

I still miss Mom-mom, and I always will. But I know she's healthy and happy again in Heaven....and I'll see her there someday.
 
What's a song that makes you all cry?

Wait a minute....did you just say '11?!?

Oh. My. Word.

Today is December 29th, yes? Which means that New Year's Eve is Friday? Which means that.....nah, the first of 2011 could not be on Saturday.

Could it?

Hehe, I was just fooling with you guys. (: But seriously: where has this year gone? It seems like just yesterday I was watching the Winter Olympics with my family, cheering on the USA at the World Cup, laughing with friends at camp, and being sooooo scared to start French!

Now, here we are, at the end of another year. And this year has gone by faster than any other. I cannot really explain why. It could be because I'm getting older. Or maybe it has something to do with what a fun-filled year 2010 was!!!
But, mostly, I'm thinking it had something to do {for me, personally} with Mom-mom's passing. After she died {on New Year's Day} it kind of seemed like the days and weeks just flew by. I believe that was mostly me, trying to will myself as far from that day as I could. Perhaps it worked......or perhaps it didn't. After all, we're right back to New Year's! It's almost been a whole year since she went to be with Jesus. And I don't miss her any less.
But knowing that she is in Heaven, surrounded by people she loves, does lessen the pain and the tears. I will always miss her, but I know she is waiting for my entrance in to Zion.

When I look back on 2010, I don't just see us losing Mom-mom.
 I see the Vancouver Winter Olympics, where American athletes made me feel proud to be an American.
I see myself starting this blog, never expecting to meet so many wonderful and uplifting friends.
I see myself at World Views camp, scared stiff to go witnessing. I can still recall sitting beside the 'bonfire' and singing hymns.
I see the World Cup, where the U.S. men's team worked so hard to make it to the Round of 16. I see Spain {eventually} winning that Cup, and feeling a bit sad that it was all over.
I see myself at Messiah soccer camp, making new friends and renewing bonds with old ones. Despite the heat {and rain} it was a week to remember.
I see myself walking in to my co-op, scared to death about starting French 1. I can see myself sitting in Physical Science, missing some of my old friends from last year,  not realizing that in a few short weeks I would be great friends with some new kids.
I see my 15th birthday, and how wonderful it was. I see Thanksgiving, our first without Mom-mom. Then came Christmas, a joyous occasion. I see all the presents opened, and my family laughing and talking about old times.

And here I am, writing this blog post, making my own history. Here's to 2011.....may it be a wonderful year, for everyone.

~Lily

So many to choose from....

I love names. All names. Well, maybe not all names. Some I just shudder at........Edna. That I just cannot seem to love.

In honor of names (and the fact that I'm kinda bored) here are my top five girl names and top five boy names, in not particular order. Enjoy.

Girls Names I Love

1.Anne *

 Hebrew; 'graceful'

why? Well, Anne Shirley is one of my most favorite book characters. And it's my grandmother's middle name. (:

2. Bridget *

 Irish Gaelic; 'strength' or 'protecting'

why? I have always loved this name.....I'm  not sure why. I guess I just love the Irish sound of it!!! And it's meaning is pretty cool too.

3. Margaret *

 Latin; 'a pearl'

why? Well, Mom-mom's name was Margaret. And she truly was a pearl; she was such a treasure to us.

4. Charlotte *

 French; 'little womanly one'

why? I love it's meaning, and the fact that the name can be shortened to 'Lottie.' So cute.

5. Emma

 Old German; 'strong' or 'all embracing'

why? First off, it's my little cousin's name! And I love her soo much. She is truly all embracing. (: And, I just think it's a cute sounding name.

 

Boy Names I Love

1. Robert *

Old English; 'shining with fame'

why? Cool meaning, and it's my grandfather's name!

2.Martin *

Latin; 'warlike'

why? Martin the Warrior, of course!!! Oh, and Martin Luther, and Martin Luther King Jr. So yeah, I'd say it's a pretty good historical  name :)

3. Kenneth *

Old English; 'a royal oath' or Irish Gaelic; 'handsome'

why? The two totally different meanings are really cool! Plus, all the Kenneth's I've ever met have been super nice.

4. Joseph *

Hebrew; 'God will increase'

why? Besides being a great biblical name, it's also my dear father's name!!! Gotta love that. ;)

5. Jesse

Hebrew; 'wealthy one'
why? Again, not quite sure. Although, being David's father is pretty cool.....oh, and whenver I think of this name, I think of cheese. Go figure.

Oh, and just as a side note: Anything marked with a * is a name I would certainly bestow upon my children. I pray God gives me enough children to use all the names!!!

Love always,

~Lily

These events lead up to something important

December 4, 2009 9:35 AM Friday
Apparently, there's a chance it might snow tomorrow! That would be very nice. Today we are going to help Mom-mom decorate for Christmas. Aunt Becky and the kids are coming too. It would be awesome if it could snow before Christmas! I haven't given many updates on classes. Biology is still fun, but getting tougher. Composition is awesome and Public Speaking is getting better. In Biology and Comp, Emily and I sit with Lance, Robert, and Josh. We have so much fun together! It's funny: before this school year, I never really had any 'boy friends.' Now I have three good ones!

December 7, 2009 9:40 AM Monday
Over the weekend, it did snow! Oh, Messiah men and women won the Nation Championship! That is  the second year in a row that both have won in the same year! I got to see snippets of the games on the NCAA website.

December 8, 2009 9:54 AM Tuesday
I got an email from Ryan! I had emailed him last week and he finally got back to me! It's really nice to know he's okay. We're lucky he's not in the main battlefields. Last night, as I walked Sammy, I wished upon a star. I wished for everything I wanted to come true. When I wish on a star, it's more like a prayer to God than just asking a ball of fire to grant my wish.

December 11, 2009 9:40 AM Friday
Very cold today! The wind makes it feel even colder. Today is Aiden's birthday! He is 12. Owen will be 9 on the 19th. Christmas is only 2 weeks away! I'm hoping to get the Nano, but......we'll have to wait and see! I babysit my neighbors tonight. They are such good little boys. (:

December 14, 2009 12:17 PM Monday
I can't wait until the Olympics start! This year I'll have my laptop, so I'll be able to record my Olympic journal while sitting and watching the events live! During the summer Olympics, I have to keep dashing in to the office to write, and I missed a few things. Not so this time!

December 17, 2009 9:49 AM Thursday
Wow, it is cold! Yesterday classes were awesome. In Bio, we had a cookie exchange during class. I got so many funny pictures! Comp was great too, and Public Speaking was awesome. I think I could add quite a few new people to my 'best friends' list. Emily and I have so much fun with everyone.

December 18, 2009 11:09 AM Friday
We're supposed to get a huge snowfall this weekend. I hope we get lots and lots of snow. Christmas is only a week away! Yippee!!!

And now, here is the reason I have posted all of these entries:

January 11, 2010 10:03 AM Monday

Yes, we did have a huge snowstorm that weekend. A record breaker, apparently.

My grandmother died. New Year's Day. Mom-mom had been very sick, so now she is much better off in Heaven. It's just been really hard to adjust to the situation. My friends have been awesome, though. Sam J. sent me flowers, and Emily V. and Jen came to the funeral. When Emily saw me afterwards, she started to cry and gave me a big hug. You don't realize how many people love and care about you until something like this happens. In a past journal, I once wrote about I had hardly any friends. Now I know how foolish that entry was. God has truly blessed me with wonderful people who love me.

So, those were some of the entries leading up to Mom-mom's death. I have lots more in my *private* journal, but they are in that journal for a reason. :)

I hope you all don't mind that I pretty much poured out my heart to you in this post. It just feels good to share it.

Yours truly and forever,

Weekends

Sorry it's been a while......this weekend was just slamming busy for me!

Saturday was fun: I had a soccer game (we lost), then ate dinner with the grandparents. Afterwards, I went to a Washington Freedom game with my friend and her family. They won, which was nice.

Then yesterday, up early for church. We had a guest pastor, and he only preached until 11:30!!!!! which was kind of nice, since my family had to leave right after the service.
For her Mother's Day present, my mom wanted us to go and help out one of her friends with a Mother's Day brunch at a nursing home. So the whole family went, along with my aunts and cousin. We served fruit, cookies, cake, and drinks to all the older people. It was a really nice time, seeing how the older folks appreciated our kind words and actions.

After that, we scurried over to my cousin's house for a Mother's Day dinner. This is the first Mother's Day without Mom-mom, so it was kind of bittersweet. It was nice to get together with all my family members though, and reminisce about all the good times we had had with Mom-mom. My favorite part was listening to stories told by my dad and his siblings about growing up with Mom-mom.
Then, as we were all getting ready to leave, Aunt Becky gathered everyone together to share our favorite memories of Mom-mom. We started off with my cousins Kylie, age 6, Mason, age 4, and Skylar, age 3. It was a little sad listening to them, because they really don't remember much about Mom-mom. I feel so bad for them----I have all these great memories of living with Mom-mom for 14 years, but here they had her only for a snippet of their lives. At least I know they'll be able to live with her forever in heaven.
When it was my turn to share a memory, I could only think of one thing: Whenever me, my brothers, or our cousins would say something mean or do something bad, Mom-mom would say some made-up word, like "happachinymama!" or something like that. It would make us laugh, even though we were technically in trouble. As I tried to remember her exact words, I felt tears come to my eyes. I don't like to cry in public, so I held them back as best I could. All my family members laughed as they remembered her saying that too. Then it was on to someone else, and I was able to collect myself.
The really hard thing I've been dealing with Mom-mom being gone is talking about all the memories and old days. I can look at pictures and not feel sad, but once we talk about her sandwiches or Christmas parties or anything else, I start to cry. I feel silly saying that, but it's true. Then I just have to remind myself that those times are past, and I have a whole eternity to live with her in Heaven, where tons of other memories and fun times will be had.


I love you, Mom-mom.

Another uplifting song

As I'm sure you know by now, I love Tenth Avenue North.

My most favorite song by them is 'By Your Side.'

When my grandma died, this song really helped me remember that she is truly in God's hands.

I remember one Tuesday night after she died, I was having a really hard time. I wasn't able to turn in any assignments for classes the next day, because we had been so busy with funeral preparations and family commitments. I was upset, because I like to have my schoolwork done on time. My parents assured me I could do it all by next week and that my teachers wouldn't be angry (and they weren't!). I was still stressed out though.
I was lying on my bedroom floor, writing in my journal. All of a sudden I just started crying. I'm not sure why I started crying......everything just flooded out.
Then I heard By Your Side come on my radio (it's always set to 89.9). As the first lyrics came on, I stopped crying to listen. Then the chorus came on, and I was reminded that Mom-mom and I and everyone are in God's hands.......we don't have to worry about death or late schoolwork or anything. God is holding us in his hands. And we don't have to worry.

So here are the lyrics that really touched my heart that Tuesday night:

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you..........


Thanks so much, Tenth Avenue North, for that wonderful song. And thank you God for sending it at just the right time.