and so I'm right back here, with questions and anger in my heart

I'd like to say that 9/11 hasn't affected my life that much.....but it has.

I'd like to say that my feelings about 9/11 are the same as they were in this post.....but they've changed.

I'd like to say, with pride, that I've forgiven those terrorists who killed themselves and my fellow countrymen...but I can't.

I'd like to say that I finally understand why God let it happen.....but I really don't.

I'd like to preach to y'all, like I did last year, about how we should feel compassion for those terrorists who didn't know God....but how can I, when I still don't feel that compassion myself?

 I'd like to say that I stay strong emotionally when I hear stories about that day.....but I break down whenever I'm alone.

I'd like to say that I trust God completely with what happened ten years ago....but I haven't gotten that far yet.

I don't know if I'll ever truly forgive those people who committed such horrible, terrifying acts against my country. And, to be honest.....I don't want to.

And so, ten years later, I'm still stuck in the same place I was: I know I should forgive; I know I should just accept that it happened; that God has a plan for everything.

But my human heart just can't seem to do it.

No title really captures what I'm trying to say.....

My Sister in Heaven

Many years ago, I had a sister.

For a few moments she was here on earth.

But God wanted her with Him,

So she was whisked off to Heaven, 

In the safe arms of angels.

My parents were heartbroken over losing their firstborn,

Their precious baby girl.

Almost two years later I came along,

And lifted some sadness from my parents' hearts

When I was older, Mom told me about her,

My sister in Heaven.

I was shocked, confused, but mostly sad,

For I could never spend time with her here on earth.

And so I began to miss her too,

My sister in Heaven.

But I know someday when I die,

And angels carry me off to Heaven,

She'll be the first to great me,

The first to say, "Welcome."

Then, hand in hand, we'll stroll through Zion,

Singing praises to God our King

My sister and me in Heaven.

*takes breath*

I wrote this poem on July 17, 2009. It was a few days after my mom told me that I truly do have a sister.....except she's in Heaven.

It was such a shock for me, for I had never thought that I had an older sister. I had always dreamed of having one, of course, and sometimes I would even feel like someone was missing from our little family. 

But actually learning that I have a sister-----that was a complete mind blower. Even now, two years later, I still have trouble grasping the fact that my sister lives in Heaven.

I can't even remember the number of nights I cried into my pillow, asking God why He had given me a sister....then taken her away. He knew how much I wanted an older sister---how much I needed one. So why did it feel like He was teasing me?!?

After a few months of these questions, I decided to start a journal. And in this journal, I write letters to my sister in Heaven. She can't respond to them, and I don't think she'll ever read them----but it helps me soooo much to write down all the questions I have for God. Plus, I "tell" her all the things that normal sisters would tell each other......clothes I want, boys I like, and just girl stuff in general.

I don't know if this post makes much sense to those of you with sisters, 'cause you always have that sister there with you. You can talk to her, ask her questions, and laugh about silly stuff with her.

But those of you who don't have a sister---you know what I'm talking about, right? That longing to talk with someone of your own flesh and blood.............that slight twist of your heart when you see sisters together.......that feeling of loneliness you get sometimes.

Maybe someday, if I ever get the courage, I'll post some entries from my journal. Until then, though:

I love you, my sister!!! 

Life is fleeting

At 12:30 am Wednesday, a car packed full of five teenagers was driving down a road. Locals have nicknamed this road 'The Roller-coaster' because of all the hills and loops it takes. There are signs, warning drivers of the high hills, and rumble strips, reminding them to keep alert. But none of these things helped.

At 12:30 am Wednesday, a car full of five teenagers struck a deer. The 18-year old driver lost control, veered off the road, and slammed headlong into a tree. 

A little later, police and emergency vehicles were at the scene. The driver had remained in the car, but his passengers had all been thrown from the car. Another boy, 17, was walking around with a bleeding head wound. Three girls, ages 14, 15, and 15, were lying in the road.

The kids were all out after curfew, and none of them were wearing seat belts.


One of these girls, Kendra, never made it home.

This accident happened just up the road from where I live. When my mom told me about it, I instantly thought of my friends who live around here. I prayed desperately that none of them had been involved.

At soccer practice last night, I was thankful to see that all of my friends were safe. But then we started talking about the crash.

One said that Kendra had been her best friend in elementary school. They had grown apart since then, but my friend was still really shaken up. Later, I found out that another injured girl{still in critical condition} had been in my former Girl Scout troop before I joined.

Life is fleeting.

Nothing we have in this life is sure. At any time, it could be our time to go. My dad remarked to me that the teens involved in the crash probably felt like they were invincible.....like they could live forever. And I think I get that feeling. I mean, as young people, we don't really have dying in our "plans" for another 50 years or so. We plan on going to college, getting married, having kids, retiring.....and then we'll be ready to join Jesus in Heaven.

But God doesn't work that way. He has a time all set for us to leave this earthly home. And since we never know when that time is.....we gotta live like we're dying.




The point of this post is: always hug those you love, 'cause you never know when your last hug will be.

She stands in a corner, alone.

Though the room is stuffy, she keeps her sweater on. The long sleeves hide her scars; the ones she will never forget about.

She looks around the room. People are laughing and talking, but no one seems to notice her. She pushes back her bleached bangs as a group walks past. 

She smiles faintly, but they keep going. her small hands turn white as she clenches her fists. She smooths the front of her plaid dress.

Am I dressed wrong? Do they know about my scars? Should I leave?

The questions flash through her mind. A single tear runs down her cheek.  

But where can I go?

She takes a deep breath and starts to walk toward the chapel doors. Behind her, someone starts singing a hymn. She hesitates for a moment, then keeps walking. 

It's not like anyone will miss me.

She holds back the tears, but only until the doors close behind her. Then they come, freely. 

If no one wants me at a church, where can I go?

She sinks into the grass, her back against the church building. 

I can't go home, school isn't open.....where?

Her tears continue to fall. Suddenly, she hears footsteps on the sidewalk. Lifting her head, she sees a boy coming towards her. 

Seeing her face, the boy stops and kneels down. She furiously brushes away her tears, but he's already noticed.

"Why are you out here?" he asks in a quiet voice. He takes her hand and helps her to her feet. 

Studying her face, he adds, "I don't believe I've seen you around here. Did you come for the party?"

She sniffles and nods. The boy frowns. "Parties shouldn't make a girl cry. Didn't anyone talk to you?"

Another tear falls as she shakes her head. She whispers, "I, uh, didn't really get a chance to meet anyone. I ho have to go, though."

She tries to leave, but he still holds her hand. "Well, you've met me. Trenton Brown's my name." He smiles at her. "What's yours?"

Her eyes stare right into his. For a moment her guard comes back up. 

"Sophie," she finally answers. Her voice is stronger this time, with a new found confidence.

 Taking her other hand, Trenton guides her back to the church door. "You just stick with me, okay? I'll make sure everyone meets you, Sophie."

She doesn't respond, for more thoughts are running through her mind.

He is really cute. Trenton is such a nice name. Perhaps I'll make a few friends. Will I ever work up the nerve to tell Trenton about my scars?  

Her last thought as they enter the church are:

I guess God finally heard my prayers.......and maybe I finally belong somewhere.

Day 16: sheesh, so many personal questions!!!

Goodness, this challenge includes quite a few personal questions! But hey, I signed up for it......so I shouldn't really complain. *sighs* I've noticed that, lately, I've been complaing quite a bit about little things.....I definitely have to work on that.

Day Sixteen: A song that makes you cry

But I still miss you

All the times we spent together

To hear you talk about the weather

I always prayed you'd get well soon

I wish my prayers came true

I know Jesus has the answer

And He's way bigger than the cancer in you

But I still miss you.

The first time I heard this song, I thought "Wow, Hawk Nelson totally put my thoughts in to a song!"

I still miss Mom-mom, and I always will. But I know she's healthy and happy again in Heaven....and I'll see her there someday.
 
What's a song that makes you all cry?

We will never forget..........................9/11

September 11, 2001, seems like a long time ago, doesn't it?

For me, it seems like eons ago. I was five, and the world seemed like a big place.

Then September 11 came, and the world became a big, scary place.

I don't really remember the actual day of September 11. More the aftermath, as stories, pictures, and words filled my mind.
I remember my mom and aunt standing at the kitchen counter, looking at a magazine. My head just reached above the counter, and I tried to see what they were looking at. Mom pushed the magazine from my view and told me to go play.
I remember watching the news with my mom, and seeing flashbacks of the planes crashing in to the Twin Towers. I still did not understand what was happening, other than it was bad and it made people scared.
I remember my friend's dad worked at the Pentagon, but for some reason he did not go that Tuesday. Many prayers of thankfulness were said because of God's providence.
I remember my dad coming home and telling us how he could see the smoke of the Pentagon from his office window in D.C.

I remember all of this, with a five-year old's mind. Looking back, I think How could something like this happen? How could God, the Maker of Heaven and Earth, let this tragedy happen? Why did He let this happen?

Last year, I wrote this in my journal:

9/11/2009
Today marks the eight year anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. I don't remember much, since I was only five. But for eight years I've heard stories and seen tapes. For eight years, I've heard of acts of bravery and selflessness. For eight years, I've wondered how people could be so evil, so without God. I've even wondered how God could let this happen to America! But I know everything has its purpose, even the deaths of 3,000 people. It can be hard to trust in God sometimes. But no matter what, you jsut have to trust. Just keep trusting in Him.

We don't have these answers, and we never will. Only God knows why things happen.

For us, all we can do is pray without ceasing, and remember those innocent lives that were lost nine years ago. We can also, even though it is hard, try to forgive the terrorists who died alongside our countrymen.

God bless all the men and women who put themselves in harms way that Tuesday, and God bless all the people who have given their lives the past nine years in the continuing fight against terrorism.

Love,

A special Saturday....

Yesterday was a great day, aside from me feeling sick. That was bad. But the rest of my Saturday was terrific!

I had pretty much the whole morning to myself. Mom and Owen were at gymnastics, and Dad and Aiden had scrimmages. So I stayed on the couch and watched Barcley's English Premier League soccer games!!! So glad the season has finally started!
That took up my morning, then everyone got home. I was still feeling pretty sick, so I stayed on the couch and watched more EPL soccer!

As I have said before, watching soccer is one of my favorite things to do.

Then we had fajitas for dinner, with fresh red and green peppers from our local farmer's market. Yummo!
After dinner, Aiden and Dad went to rent a movie from Blockbuster (we were all in the mood for something new to watch).

When they came back (about an hour later) they had not one, but six movies with them!
They had bought the Pink Panther and the Pink Panther 2, along with Inkheart and Nancy Drew! They had also rented Castaway and the Blind Side.

So we settled down to watch some movies! I really wanted to watch the Blind Side, since we had not seen it yet (yes, I know we are way behind in our movie watching) but everyone else wanted Inkheart. So we went with that.

I normally don't ever say this about a movie based on a book, but the movie is extremely better than the book. Sorry Cornelia Funke, but Inkheart just went on for too long. The movie summed everything up better, and I preferred the characters from the movie to the book.
With that over, I can move on to the Blind Side.


I knew even before we watched it that Mom would be crying during this movie. All the feedback from our friends had been good, but sad. And the first scene definitely portrayed sadness: Lawrence Taylor breaking Joe Theismann's leg.
I had no intention of looking. I don't do so well with body parts going ways they should not, so I turned away. I don't see why they had to play that scene over and over! Seriously, isn't once enough? But they were trying to make a point--------and I am certain they succeeded.

After that, the movie was great. It amazed me how quickly the neighborhoods changed in Memphis: one mile, you're in the rundown, crowded neighborhoods. The next, beautiful mansions with pristine landscaping.

A thing that stood out to me was how ignorant the richer people of Memphis were of the poorer section. I mean, poor Michael was sleeping in the gym, and no one seemed to notice or care?
It was a good reminder for me that poverty is not just in far off places like Ethiopia and Haiti, but also right here in America, right on the other sides of our towns and cities. Kids with not enough to eat, people with nowhere to sleep at night. Michael Oher's story truly is a miraculous one.

One thing I liked was how the movie portrayed the love and sincerity the Tuohy family showed to Michael, once they got to know him. He wasn't just a poor kid from the streets, he was part of their family. Once Collins realized that, she wasn't embarrassed to acknowledge Michael as her brother, even at school. Of course, S.J. was just the ideal little brother: A know-it-all, funny, loving, and goofy little guy. And Leigh-Anne loved Michael right off the bat. Sean took a little longer, but eventually he came to know Michael as his son too.

One of the best moments (in my opinion) was when Leigh-Anne is showing Michael his new room and she's talking about the futon and such. Michael says, "I've never had one of my own before." Leigh-Anne grins and says, "What? Your own room?" Michael, his face serious, shakes his head and says, "A bed." Leigh-Anne is silent for a few moments, obviously trying to process what he had just said. Finally, she replies simply, "Well, now you do." Then she walks out.
Leigh-Anne realizes that her world, full of expensive designer furniture, big houses, and overpriced luncheons is not what everyone experiences. Some, like Michael, don't even have a bed to sleep in.

I also liked when Leigh-Anne helped Michael learn how to tackle properly and why he should. Just as when he put his arm out to stop the airbag from hitting S.J., she says, he should keep the other team from getting to his quarterback. After it's put in to those terms, Michael does what he's supposed to do: protect his quarterback.

There are so many more things I could write about this movie. Sandra Bullock truly embraced the role of Leigh-Anne Tuohy, and brought her to life on the big screen. Sandra certainly deserved the Academy Award she received for that role.

And now, I'm going to rest. I still feel pretty sick----pray that is nothing serious and that I recover quickly!

Love always,

I'm a rock------that sometimes sheds tears

My mom calls me her rock. Sometimes it's a compliment......but not when it comes to movie-watching!

You see, I hardly ever cry in movies. Ever. It just isn't my thing! In movies like Gone With the Wind, I came close to crying only because Rhett went out to shoot the horse that Bonnie fell off of.
Is that bad?

So basically, the only movies I cry for are animal movies or movies that include toys. Take Toy Story 3, for example.

WARNING: SPOILER AHEAD!

My family and I went to see it last night for the second time (it was too good for just one go around!) and it just tugged at my heartstrings. When I saw it the first time, I cried like a baby. Yeah, I really did. Especially when (sorry for the spoiler!) Andy left Woody and the others at Bonnie's house. I was happy they found a home, but so sad that Andy had to grow up.
Whenever I watch movies like Toy Story, I start thinking about my own toys-------and the fact that I am growing up! What will happen to them as I get older? When I go to college, what will I do with them? Do they love me as much as I love them? WILL THEIR FEELINGS BE HURT IF I DONATE THEM?!?!?

Sorry, that was more emotional than I had planned.

Anyway, all the Toy Story movies made me cry at more than one point. I'm not proud of that, but it's true.

And then, of course, there are the animal movies.
If you go to see any kind of animal movie, you had better bring the tissues.

I remember going to see a movie called Benjii quite a few years ago. It was one of the saddest movies I have ever seen. I don't remember too much about it, other than the kid's dad wanted to kill Benjii because he didn't look right or something. The tears just poured and poured during that movie.

Then there was Bolt. Ugh, talk about a tear-jerker! Don't get me wrong, it was a great movie, but so sad! When Mittens was talking about her family leaving her, I cried. When Bolt came back to Penny, but saw her with another Bolt, I cried. When Penny and Bolt were trapped in the fire, and he laid down right next to her, I cried. When they were all happy together, I cried.
I cried a lot, let's just say.

I went to see Flicka at a dollar-movie theater many years ago. Yet another movie about a girl who loves a horse and the horse almost dies. And when Katy, overcome with fever, stumbles down the stairs and says, "It's okay, Daddy-you can kill us" my friend and I were sobbing.

And I can't forget Homeward Bound! When Shadow fell in to the pit, I was sure he would be dying there and the others would leave him. Then, when Chance and Sassy are reunited with their kids, but Shadow's is just standing there, my heart broke. But when Shadow came bounding toward him over the hill, my heart repaired and the tears were happy ones.

Now, there are some exceptions to my only-cry-at-animal-or-toy-movies rule: Up, when Ellie dies; It's a Wonderful Life, at the very end; and various Little House on the Prairie episodes (how could they let Mrs. Garvey die?!?!?). But movies like these come few and far between.


So, to conclude: If you ever invite me over to watch an animal or toy movie, better stock up on the Kleenex.

Cheers,

A special celebration-----and a sad defeat

Let me begin this post by painting a picture for you.
The time is about 10 pm, local time. The place--Durban, South Africa. The scene is set with 22 players.
Their battle has been long and grueling. The players are tired, but their fight is almost over. Both sides have been evenly matched the entire show.
A three-minute warning is shown. The players, all desiring a victory, push themselves harder.
Then, suddenly, a shrieking whistle pierces the air. The soccer stadium in Durban is a swarm of differing emotions.
On one side, 11 men show despair. Some of them throw their arms up in dismay. Others throw themselves to the ground, agony clear on their faces.
Their opponents show different emotions. Jumping up and down as a group, they relish in their victory. After a few jumps, two players separate themselves from the throng. They clasp hands, kneel, and bow their heads. A moment later, a few comrades join them. They all form a circle, drape their arms around each other's shoulders, and continue their prayer of thankfulness. The chaos surrounding them cannot penetrate their quiet circle of prayer.

This little scene is the ending of the World Cup game between South Korea and Nigeria yesterday.
In the picture above, you can see the emotion I described to you: the players huddled together, giving thanks to God for their victory. Even though it is just a soccer game, they are glorifying God by representing their country on the sport's biggest stage.

South Korea moves on to the round of 16, but Nigeria does not. Below, you can see Park Ji-Sung, the S.K. captain, overcome with emotions of victory.

The Nigerian players are also overcome with emotions, but ones of sadness.
Alas, every team has its good days and its bad days. This was South Korea's good day: They made their first second-round placement on foreign soil, ever! Good day for them!

Not so much for Nigeria. Another African team was ejected from the World Cup. It's always sad to see teams go home, but especially for Nigeria: The World Cup is taking place on their continent! Every African team was expecting to at least make it to the Second-Round. I suppose they will just have to cheer on their fellow continent-countryment (totally not a word!), Ghana, play against USA!
But that's another post for another time.

Ciao!

Crikey!

It's been almost four years since Steve Irwin, Naturalist, Zoologist, and Conservationist extraordinaire, died from a sting ray barb.

I remember where I was when I heard the news.......

We were on our way to Williamsburg for the week. It was early September. Dad, who was still at home, called us about mid-afternoon. Mom was on the cell phone, and suddenly I hear her say, "Oh, no." I asked her what was wrong, and she told me Steve Irwin was dead. I was shocked. Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, dead? Impossible. He was invincible.

When we got to our hotel, we flipped on the news. Sure enough, all the news stations were buzzing about Steve's death. I was still in a sort of daze about the whole thing. The Crocodile Hunter had taught us so many things about crocodiles, Australia, and just nature in general. Now he was gone.

The following nights, Animal Planet aired special shows dedicated to Steve. His wife, Terri, and daughter, Bindi, talked for a bit. It was so sad, to see all he had done for the conservation effort during his lifetime. It was heartbreaking to see Bindi cry for her dad. I cried for him, and I didn't even know him! But Steve meant a lot to people, just for how he talked and what he did.

A couple weeks later, his funeral was shown on television. So many people attended.......most just avid fans who wanted to show their support for Steve's family. I can still see Bindi standing up in front of hundreds of people and talking about her dad and all he had meant to her. Bindi was only six or seven, yet her little speech touched my heart.

Even these years later, I still sometimes forget the Crocodile Hunter is gone. Sometimes I think, "Hey, Steve talked about that on a show!" or I remember something we learned about crocs from his show (like the death roll they do to ward off predators). So many things we learned from that great man.

And while Steve believed in protecting endangered species, he was not an environmentalist. He called himself a conservationist----he educated people on the beauty of nature and animals. He showed that crocodiles aren't really cold-blooded, savage beasts, but just another part of God's creation (No, I don't think he actually said God's creation). He made people want to help conserve animals, but not save them or 'protect them.' The Bible says God has called us to be good stewards of the world he has given us. Even though he might not have realized it, Steve was doing just that: helping to conserve the beautiful earth God has given us.



Anyway, the reason I went off on the nostalgic journey was this article I saw on crocodiles: http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/secretrevealedhowcrocodilescrossoceans


We love you Steve, and you will always live on in our hearts. I pray that you are singing with the angels in Heaven!


Thanks for reading my emotional post, guys.

Love,

Another uplifting song

As I'm sure you know by now, I love Tenth Avenue North.

My most favorite song by them is 'By Your Side.'

When my grandma died, this song really helped me remember that she is truly in God's hands.

I remember one Tuesday night after she died, I was having a really hard time. I wasn't able to turn in any assignments for classes the next day, because we had been so busy with funeral preparations and family commitments. I was upset, because I like to have my schoolwork done on time. My parents assured me I could do it all by next week and that my teachers wouldn't be angry (and they weren't!). I was still stressed out though.
I was lying on my bedroom floor, writing in my journal. All of a sudden I just started crying. I'm not sure why I started crying......everything just flooded out.
Then I heard By Your Side come on my radio (it's always set to 89.9). As the first lyrics came on, I stopped crying to listen. Then the chorus came on, and I was reminded that Mom-mom and I and everyone are in God's hands.......we don't have to worry about death or late schoolwork or anything. God is holding us in his hands. And we don't have to worry.

So here are the lyrics that really touched my heart that Tuesday night:

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you..........


Thanks so much, Tenth Avenue North, for that wonderful song. And thank you God for sending it at just the right time.